Lost Boys of "Guyland"

I won't grow up! (I won't grow up)
No, I promise that I won't (No, I promise that I won't)
I will stay a boy forever (I will stay a boy forever)
And be banished if I don't! (And be banished if I don't)
I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up
Not me, Not I, Not me!
So there!

--Song of Peter Pan's Lost Boys

A recent Newsweek article, "Why Young Men Delay Adulthood to Stay in Guyland," chronicles what might be viewed as a new and extended phase 2 of the old sociological phenomenon, "the boy problem." Young men in their twenties and later are refusing take on the mantle of adult responsibilities as defined and modeled by prior generations. They don't want to, and apparently think they don't have to.

Once the preserve of whacked-out teens and college slackers, this testosterone-filled landscape is the new normal for American males until what used to be considered creeping middle age, according to the sociologist Michael Kimmel. In his new book, "Guyland," the State University of New York at Stony Brook professor notes that the traditional markers of manhood—leaving home, getting an education, finding a partner, starting work and becoming a father—have moved downfield as the passage from adolescence to adulthood has evolved from "a transitional moment to a whole new stage of life." In 1960, almost 70 percent of men had reached these milestones by the age of 30. Today, less than a third of males that age can say the same.

And these are not just young men without education, skills, or potential opportunity. These are most often college-educated young men who would be considered good candidates for successful futures.

In almost 400 interviews with mainly white, college-educated twentysomethings, he found that the lockstep march to manhood is often interrupted by a debauched and decade long odyssey, in which youths buddy together in search of new ways to feel like men. Actually, it's more like all the old ways—drinking, smoking, kidding, carousing—turned up a notch in a world where adolescent demonstrations of manhood have replaced the real thing: responsibility...The trouble is that the very thing they're running from may be the thing they need.

But that is not to say that notable changes in the social and economic environment have not played a role. These factors too provide some of the reasons or rationalizations for these men's preference for their own version of a "drop-out" subculture over directly engaging the realities and exigencies of 21st-century society.

A bad attitude about marriage is not the only thing that's holding these guys back. A series of social and economic reversals are making it harder than ever to climb the ladder of adulthood. Since 1971, annual salaries for males 25 to 34 with full-time jobs have plummeted almost 20 percent, according to the Center for Labor Market Studies at Northeastern University.

At the same time, women have crashed just about all the old male haunts, and are showing some signs of outpacing their husbands and boyfriends as breadwinners and heads of family, at least in urban centers. Last year, researchers at Queens College in New York determined that women between 21 and 30 in at least five major cities, including Dallas, Chicago and New York, have not only made up the wage gap since 1970—they now earn upwards of 15 percent more than their male counterparts. As a result, many men feel redundant.

And the result? The result as reported is discomfiting--and, I hope, somewhat exagerated. But what if it is not?

Today's guys are perhaps the first downwardly mobile—and endlessly adolescent—generation of men in U.S. history. They're also among the most distraught—men between the ages of 16 and 26 have the highest suicide rate for any group except men above 70—and socially isolated, despite their image as a band of backslapping buddies...

The happy family man, on the other hand, is an alien concept in Guyland, and all too scarce in popular culture. Men like me, who actually embrace married life in their 20s, are seen as aberrations—or just a bit odd...But while the glorified Isle of Guy makes many men feel inadequate, its attractions are often illusory—or worse. ...Beyond the practical dangers, the world of twentysomething males can also be an alienating place, where the entrance fee is conformity and the ride is less than advertised. ...on their own and without their liquid courage, there is also isolation and discontent. A 28-year-old Emory graduate, who declined to be named for fear of ridicule, talked of feeling ashamed of his life..."

But as if reaching out with a lifeline to former "lost-boys" comrads, the author evangelizes about marriage and a healthy, stable family life--knowing, I think, that his words and concerns are too often falling on deaf ears among those sojourning in Guyland.

Meanwhile, the angst associated with adulthood may not be warranted. A raft of recent studies suggest that married men are happier, more sexually satisfied and less likely to end up in the emergency room than their unmarried counterparts. They also earn more, are promoted ahead of their single counterparts and are more likely to own a home.

"Men benefit from just being married, regardless of the quality of the relationship. It makes them healthier, wealthier and more generous with their relatives," says Scott Coltrane, author of "Gender and Families" and dean of the University of Oregon College of Arts and Science. It accelerates men's journey toward stability and security. "In general, those are the things that lead to happiness," he adds.

However many there actually are, however late and behind the learning curve they may be, I expect that, eventually, many or most will look upon themselves and their situations, open their eyes, and get on about a more productive life. I hope so--and sooner rather than later. After all, don't we all in some way have an interest in it?

http://www.newsweek.com/id/156372